snubbed

i feel like a small part of me just died. i don’t know why i turned a blind eye to his stupidity, his immaturity, and his inconsideration. i do not know why I didn’t just yell at him until i was blue in the face and squish him under my feet. [was it because i was afraid of losing him..?] i knew i didn’t deserve his cold shoulder, or the way he left me for days without a word of contact, off prancing around in his stomping grounds. 

damn it.

i’m so frustrated, my heart is smoldering, fuming, seething with anger. why didn’t You let me rage against him? why did You have to calm me down, and give me a cool head, and bring me hope today? hope that was so good that it made me cry with happiness and forget his childish behavior? made me forgive him… though i was justified to have my revenge, at least by my own logical understanding. but it’s grace… it’s grace that You are teaching me to have on others. because that was what you gave me, though i wronged you many times before. i can afford to be gracious… i can afford it because i do not live anymore, as myself. grace i receive from God, in unending abundance. because of You, I can be nice to him, i can rest and not be anxious.